Et Tu England?

The following note includes foreign loan words you might not know. I have included English translations in order to eschew obfuscation.

Circa (around) 43 A.D., (in the year of our lord) Rome invaded England. Post hoc ergo propter hoc (after this, therefore, because of this) many Latin phrases joined the English language: et cetera, (and the rest). Now, the long reign of Latin in English is coming to an end. Sic transit gloria mundi (Thus passes the glory of the world). Town councils in England have noted that many people use Latin ad nauseum (to the point of nausea), and asked, “nihilo sanctum estne?” (Is nothing sacred?) These people do not like those of us who commonly use Latin phrases, and vice versa (with position turned). It would seem that these people want English to return to a tabula rasa (scraped tablet), uncontaminated by other languages. I retort that this was never actually the status quo (situation in which). A contrario (from the opposite), the English language emerged e pluribus unum (from many, one).

E.g. (for the purpose of example), anyone who has graduated from kindergarten (children’s garden) and is smarter than a Neanderthal (native of Neander Valley) should plainly see that foreign loan words in the English language are much more than just kitsch (cheap), and to declare Latin verboten (forbidden) would imply that all loan words are kaput (out of order).
England claims that too many people use Latin phrases à gogo (in abundance), regardless of how à propos (regarding) they may be, simply because Latin has a certain je ne sais quoi (I don’t know what). To that, I say “au contraire.” (a contrario) Even if people use Latin merely because it’s chic (stylish), is that really a reason to bid adieu (to god) to a whole language? No. C’est la vie (that’s life).

Even if every town in England bans Latin de jure (in law), it will never disappear de facto (in fact). It would take deus ex machina (god from machine) to enforce such a law. Too many bona fide (in good faith) English words and phrases come from Latin. Moreover, many works of literature already have Latin in them. In order to ban it fully, the law would have to be ex post facto (from a thing done afterward). William Shakespeare himself, the ne plus ultra (nothing more beyond) of English writing has been known to use Latin. Any argument toward a better English language that discriminates against the bard is malum in se (wrong in itself). Under scrutiny, it becomes clear that the argument against Latin comes from nowhere, and is a non sequiter (it doesn’t follow).

In summation, I have only one question: is Latin dead? Nisilum sacnus estne (???)? Only you can say. Thank you for your time.

Q.E.D.
(That which was to be demonstrated)

Physics Poem β

With apologies to Allen Ginsberg

I
I saw the best minds of past generations destroyed by physics, tired, frustrated, delusional, dragging themselves through the European streets at dawn looking for a frame of reference,
Angel-headed scholars who offered astrological advice to the emperor and his ambitious brother,
Who, as master of the mint, sought to convict counterfeiters while unlocking the secrets of alchemy,
Who used mathematics to prove the existence of god, (while some of us believe it to have spawned from Satan),
Whose demon could compute the future of our universe without error,
Who were allowed to stay in France with an exemption from the decree,
Who invented work (for which we would never forgive him, but that he taught us billiards)
Who were knighted, and became president of the academy.

II
What sphinx of integrals and cross products bashed open their skulls and ate their brains and imagination?
Moloch! Torque! Resistance! Oscillation!
Moloch! Moloch! Gravity! Energy! Force, and the non-inertial frame of reference!
They broke their pencils calculating Moloch’s trajectory toward heaven!

III
Professor J.! I’m with you in Sanders,
Where you’re madder than I am
I’m with you in Sanders,
Where you tell us of spheres in which there is no gravity
I’m with you in Sanders,
Where you insist on the existence of a centrifugal force
I’m with you in Sanders,
Where you describe the motion of a double pendulum

Footnote:
Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
The physics is holy! The calculus is holy! The linear algebra is holy! Everything is holy!
Everybody’s holy!
Holy the pencils! Holy the paper! Holy the calculators! Holy the computers! Holy wikipedia! Holy integrals.com! Holy Kepler! Holy Newton! Holy Euler! Holy Laplace! Holy Lagrange! Holy Coriolis! Holy Hamilton! Holy the final exam!

Math Major

My 12th grade math teacher told me this joke. I’ve always liked it, because I believe that there is a lot of truth in it.

Two engineers are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

In one of my classes this week, the professor was demonstrating how to combine two assets into a portfolio. She showed us four portfolios, each with a different ratio of assets, and asked us how many combinations could exist. Everyone in the class knew that the answer was infinite. Before anyone else said anything, one student answered, “at least four.” I looked up, and saw that this was a friend of mine who is majoring in math. Of course, the math major would give an answer of no use whatsoever, just because it was irrefutably correct.

The Oscars

Ah, Oscar Night: The night when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences brings us together to appreciate quality films. Who could forget such classics as Goodfellas, Dr. Strangelove or Citizen Kane? The Academy. That’s who. None of them won. This year, I celebrated the 81 year old tradition of snubbing quality cinema at the Oscar party hosted by the Vassar Film League.

I didn’t know what to expect from Hugh Jackman, but I really liked his opening number. His bit on musicals was a little weird. It seemed out of place, but Beyonce was in it, so it was definitely appropriate for the Oscars. Strangely, she did not perform any of the nominated songs this year. That was clearly a gross oversight, and I can only hope that the right people have been fired for it.

Mickey Rourke seemed oddly sober, which can only mean that those wonderful folks from Film Independent weren’t around to fill him with Jameson and Stella. Clearly, they know how to put on an award show.

This year, I didn’t know any of the nominees. Not having anyone to console or congratulate, I sent a text message to my friend Wally when he won best animated feature.
During commercial breaks, Film League asked trivia questions. I don’t know anything about Oscar trivia, so I didn’t do so well. I don’t know who has which records for how many nominations of what sort. What I do know is that two acting nominees from a couple years ago had previously acted together in a pornographic film. Unfortunately, nobody ever asks questions about important things like that.

I entered a contest, guessing the winners. A few results took me by surprise: Heath Ledger and Jerry Lewis, to name some of the bigger upsets. As it turned out, guessing 19 correctly was enough to win. I hadn’t prepared a speech, so I just used the one from the end of Rocky IV. I won a gift card to Regal Cinemas, so now I can watch even more movies, as if I haven’t seen too many already.

Tag Your Friends!

Here are the rules:

Once you've been tagged, you must participate. No, don't think. Just do it. All your friends (and "friends" too) saw that you were tagged. They are gchatting each other right now and wondering what kind of asshole would kill the good time by not participating. That's right, They say: your kind. (And by "They" I do mean everybody—group chat is a bitch, no?) One of Them just uninvited you to their bi-monthly circle jerk. Deal.

They are speculating whether or not that story about your "cold sore" will make the top 25. They're taking bets on which lie you plan to stick with. Any moment now, one of Them will Tweet at you to say how meaningless and gray the interminable slog of living is without your 25 facts. Remember, always: Your friends are here to listen.

You just de-tagged that photo from the Reno trip, didn't you? Not quick enough, chief. Your old lady already switched to "Single." Did she forget to tell you in-person again? Laugh-Out-Loud, son. Laugh-Out-Loud.

Oh God, Oh God, whats-her-name changed her status. Message her before she changes it back and ask "What's Up?" While you're at it, ask to borrow some of her used toilet paper. Nothing's too private, right?

No, seriously. Write your facts, fucker. We are the Borg.

An Email I Received When I Quit Rowing

Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I have chosen not to fix any errors or add [sic] after each of them because there are too many.

Morgan,
Im writing this email from the perspective of wanting you to continue to row and with no intention of disrespect. Unless I completely missed something I heard this morning that you were planning on quitting crew. Honestly I'm shocked that you would say this. Im guessing that you saw Chauncey and Beatrix quit and believed that this was an acceptable and OK thing to do. Beatrix is a senior, has given a lot to the program as both a coxswain and a rower, and I was not involved in her decision. As disapointed as I am with Chauncey that is nothing compared to what I will feel for yoiu if you do indeed quit because there is a key difference between the two of you. That difference is that you were a recruited rower, meaning that our coaching staff went to admissions and asked for them to give you priority in getting into the school because you would contribute to the crew program. As impressive as you may believe you were in highschool, Vassar is an incredibly hard school to get into and it is very likely that you would not be here were it not for crew. I cant speak for you, however I can speak for myself as I was also recruited and I know that its likely I would not be here if our former coach had not helped me out. When you told our coaches you intended to row here, you made a commitment to do just them and to the school to do just that. To quit after 3 weeks of practice is frankly unacceptable. It reflects poorly on the program you came from, the coaches who recommended you, it reflects poorly on Otto in the eyes of admissions for trusting you and hampers his ability to get future recruits into the school. Most of all it reflects poorly on you. On top of that there is the commitment you made to us as your teamates. I do not know how much of this was ever explained to you, and I apologize if you did not realize it. What i'm guessing happened to you is that you saw other people quitting and figured that it was an OK thing to do. It is not. This is a varsity sport, not a club that you can come and go from. However, if you are to quit, we at least deserve and explanation as to why you are, and why you think it is ok to disregard all of this.
Also, as someone who has been rowing for awhile, remember that this is the last chance you will have to row competetively. Sherman is writing two theses this year and applying to med schools. multiple people on the team have doubled majored and are involved in many other activities on campus. No matter how it seems, it is possible to balance crew with whatever else you want to do. I'm also telling you that the team needs you if we want to continue to build. So, what i'm asking is that you put some serious thought into your decision and hopefully youll not quit, and if you do, you will explain to me why. If you are struggling with rowing, talk to other rowers on the team. We have all struggled at some point, and all wanted quit at some point. There is a reason we are all still here, and you owe it to yourself to figure out what that reason is.
respectfully, Marvin

I recently discovered that the author of this email later quit rowing.

New Year's Eve and Drinking

I missed the last hour of 2008. Through a fogbank I heard a countdown, spat some puke taste onto the pavement, and dimly reflected that a midnight kiss was probably out of the question. Came to around two in the morning, swapping calls with a friend at some Los Feliz party and asking if her DD wouldn't mind swinging out to some far-flung asscrack corner of the Valley to pick me up and take me home.

The party was a gathering of members from a self-proclaimed online geek forum. Many of them were best friends meeting each other In Real Life for the first time. These are the people who have seen every episode of Cowboy Bebop eighteen times; who actually buy the Sailor Moon and Final Fantasy models you see on display at Power Anime and Puzzle Zoo, and—according to a source—rub their testicles on them to demonstrate ownership. When I mentioned that the last video game console I owned was an N64, I was branded Pariah. Aside from the friend who brought me there, I didn't know a soul. So, in what I understand to be the true spirit of the holiday, I drank as much as I could, and then kept drinking.

I always mean to take lots of photos on nights like these, because either I won't want to or won't be able to remember everything. I seldom blackout; I frequently pretend to have blacked out to save face the next morning. I remember that there was a lot of vomit, which is atypical given my cast-iron stomach and Irish-bred tolerance for drink. I remember fleeing a clogged toilet to pee on the stump of a tree on a front lawn. I remember someone telling me that he screws limbless hookers with a sword. I remember a DJ spinning nauseous mixes of Beatles songs, Wet Hot American Summer playing on a loop, and at least three cigarettes on the front steps. That should have been an early warning: I quit two weeks ago.

I have a maxim that I've been meaning to get tattooed to my forearm, Memento-style: "If you catch yourself drinking straight from the bottle, the night has taken a wrong turn." To be sure, there are other strong indicators that the night has taken a wrong turn. If you suddenly decide you want to become a bourbon connoisseur and find yourself downing Knob Creek, Maker's, Jack, Jim, and half a dozen other brands that random folks brought in quick succession at the behest of a fellow you just met in a tweed coat and Soul Caliber t-shirt, then the night has taken a wrong turn. If you emerge from a stony drunk to find dampness all over the pants and are unconcerned, the night has taken a wrong turn.

What are we meant to be doing on New Year's? Do we ritualistically purge the old year in a ceremony of blackouts and puke? Are we measuring the time lost in empty bottles and tons of trash in Times Square? Is it a spiritual renewal or a secular splurge? Resolutions are treated like dry jokes: belated Christmas gifts from yourself that you don't really want. Maybe it's all about coming-together: a soft, self-applied balm for other lonelier nights; feeling important enough to be invited to a friend's house; toasts and games; counting down to midnight in one voice; sharing a kiss, a drink, a cig, or a dance.

I like to drink; and I know how to do it. Years of practice later, I've zeroed in on my tolerance point, gotten to know exactly how much and how fast I can swing em and still get myself home and functional before noon the next day. Holiday drinking, also, is something I've come to master: The last two Halloweens, I've navigated the glorious insanity of the Village with a pleasant buzz and no worries; Christmases are spiked egg nog and festive familial boozing; birthday parties are all about staying exactly one drink behind the host; St. Patrick's Day is still, for me, more about wearing green and getting pinched than green-colored Harp's; and so on.

New Year's should be my own personal second Christmas: The holiday that is all about drinking. But this year I ended up in a brownout funk, on a curb, alone, drunk beyond drunk and January 1st was one of those day-long mornings where the hangover doesn't kick in till sundown cuz you're actually still drunk when you wake up.

Last year, a good friend of mine who had historically guarded himself at parties with a one- or two-drink maximum decided to try his hand at binging. He turned yellow that night. I came within an inch of calling an ambulance. We lifted him off the bathroom floor and carried him to a bed. He emerged from his stupor long enough to tell me that he was afraid he was going to die. He puked for hours. Then he dry heaved in his sleep for a while. I was the last man standing at that party. Everyone else woke up with fresh barf on their pillows. I took pictures; it was the only thing left to do. I spent my first few solitary hours of 2008 hitting a bong and watching Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.

The year before that, I was with many of the same people at a friend's house in Santa Monica. Chips, dip, champagne, cigars, cigs, and all kinds of spirits. Have you ever noticed how quickly the mixers go at these things? I wasn't about to let that stop me. Since then, I've become accustomed to taking my drinks straight up—I find mixers get in the way of my drinking. And at a house party, when the OJ's drained within an hour of doors opening, it helps to have a stomach inured to straight vodka. But I was younger in 2006, nearly 2007. The cigars didn't help: an amateur tobacco smoker then, and burgeoning pothead, not-inhaling was something I'd worked hard to overcome. A lungful of Cristo isn't doing your stomach any favors. 2006 ended with me screaming epithets and drunken curses at my then-girlfriend on a front lawn somewhere. I don't remember why. She drove me to her place and I woke up in 2007 in the guest room with my shoes on.

New Year's, for me, has been a snake that eats its own tail: We celebrate by drinking, so I drink to celebrate, and then end up missing the celebration—the coming-together part of it all.

The best New Year's I can remember was 2006. Notable and distinct from the last three because that night I didn't have a single drink. Me and my oldest best friend and then-girlfriend (the same who would drive me home next year) had dinner at my house in Ocean Park, Santa Monica. We thought we might swing by a house party round 11; I was DD, and, in solidarity, my friends agreed not to drink without me. Come 11:30, we hadn't left, we hadn't drunk. So my friend donned a cowboy hat, my girlfriend and I grabbed noisemakers and kazoos and we wandered down to Main St and walked past all the bars and clubs we weren't old enough to get into: Finn McCool's, Circle, Barcopa, World Cafe, O'Brien's, Library Alehouse, The Firehouse.

Finally, we stopped at Tavern on Main's outdoor patio; from the sidewalk we caught the countdown on the bar's old TV and cheered with the smokers outside and revelers inside. We hadn't been there for five minutes before we caught twice as many names; it didn't matter that we weren't drinking. My girlfriend and I kissed; still the only New Year's midnight kiss I've had. We strolled back down Main St; there were firecrackers echoing from the parking lots, car horns honked in the streets.

We walked to the beach. No fireworks in Santa Monica that year, but there were dim flashes of color through the fog from Malibu and Palos Verdes and the ferris wheel on the Pier. No sounds but our kazoos and ocean waves. 2005 came quietly to a close, and I woke up in 2006 with no hangover, no pot-induced brain fog, no brownouts nor bad memories, and no shoes on.